Long week

Well, it has been a long, busy week.

I just listened to the Lillian Sparks tape Laura let me borrow...I cried and cried and cried. Her story about her son was so powerful. You know, for a while I wanted the Lord to use me in a way like she's being used, but now I really don't care what He wants me to do- He knows best. I have a desire, and that is missions- that has been in my heart since I was a kid. I wanted to do peace corps when I was younger, but now I know that God had put missions in my heart. That is what it has been all along...so I'm believing for it.

I think women really do have a lot of pain and many feelings of inadequasy. I struggle with the perfectionist thing. My mother is like that, and the more I see that in her I see it in me...I get angry. Speaking of my mother, she walked right into my room while I was listening to it. It is so awkward for her to see that I have a relationship with Jesus. She and my sister Jaime have been more observant of Judiasm, so if I walked by sight I'd be discouraged. But as Dayo pointed out to me, they're seeking, and Jesus said "Seek and ye shall find..." Hallelujah! They're searching.

I'm struggling in my workplace because it is so secular...the office is small and you can hear everyone. They're all nice people but sometimes say stuff about Jesus...blaspheme unknowingly, or use His name in vain. I cringe. It hurts to hear. Do I say something? I haven't felt led to, but maybe that is just my cowardice. I don't know.

1 Corinthians 13

1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails.

My problem? The self seeking part...the keeping no record of wrongs. Yes, somehow I seem to do this, though I do exactly what I do not want to do. This just shows me how much I need Jesus. I get so caught up in other stuff.

Another verse to meditate on:

2 Corinthians 2

15For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. 16To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life.

We are the fragrance of Christ! People who will come to know Christ will be attracted to us; others, repelled.

I'm excited for next Friday! Jars of Clay!

Stephen liked the Bible Study...I thought it was good too. Sara, I hope you're feeling better!

I've been putting together a portfolio of all my writings...I have to hand it in to receive my diploma. Man, I looked back at some of the stuff I wrote...man! Praise God I was taken out of the abyss.
A lot of it is about my ex-boyfriend. I'm so so glad I'm out of that relationship!

Yesterday I slept for over 12 hours- that is crazy. I felt like I had no energy. Today was nice and mellow, so I'm refreshed. I'll write more later.

Thanks...and a bunch of jumbled thoughts

First of all, I want to say thanks to you guys; reading your comments really blessed me. Thanks for being supportive and encouraging, it means a lot to me. I came to First Assembly knowing no one, and it took over a year to form any meaningful relationships-my fault. I'm so bad and insecure when meeting people- I get anxious because I feel like I'm being judged. It's all in my head, I know! So I never wanted to introduce myself to anyone. I always felt guilty because I knew I should have been fellowshipping, but never felt comfortable. I felt so alone, but God is so good! Joe and Laura were so welcoming, accepting and loving. I can be open and honest with all you guys; I'm so grateful for that. I think it's because we've experienced being saved and lost, or at least feeling distant from God.

He is so so wonderful; today's service was awesome. To be in God's presence, to feel His love, the fact that He spoke to us- it's an incredible privilege and blessing. On the way to church, you know what I prayed to God? Psalm 86:11 "Unite my heart to fear Your name." Unite my heart- I feel that means to give God all of my heart, not to spread it out or share what is rightfully His. I feel exactly as the Word was- spiritually dry, and I too kept asking God to take me out of this desert. Today touched me, thank God for His grace! This morning felt as if God was saying, "Let's go, here's a fresh start." For a while now, I've been asking God to rekindle the fire in my heart for Him; I feel like such a hypocrite, telling God I love Him and going to church while I'm holding resentments, sinning, thinking the wrong things- all the stuff I DON'T want to feel or do. I feel so far away from Jesus sometimes. Yet despite all my shortcomings, He still not only provides, but blesses me! I get so so discouraged because I talk myself into a self-pity, self-hatred mind set. Sometimes when I'm trying to pray and my mind is racing I say to God "Lord, my mind may not be with you, but you know my heart!" Yet at times, where is my heart?

You see, I come from a perfectionist household, so I too grew up a perfectionist. I'm so glad God never gives up on us, and that we will someday see the King face to face! The song "I Can Only Imagine" says it all:

"I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk by Your side

I can only imagine, what my eyes will see, when Your Face is before me!

I can only imagine. I can only imagine.

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?

Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?

Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?

Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?

I can only imagine! I can only imagine!
I can only imagine, when that day comes,

when I find myself standing in the Son!

I can only imagine, when all I will do, is forever, forever worship You!

I can only imagine! I can only imagine!

To walk with Jesus...to worship Him forever. You know what verse I love? 1 Corinthains 13:12 "For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known." We can barely make out God's glory right now, and today's service was but a glimpse of His Kingdom! Hallelujah!

Okay, one more thing- one other person is going to attend our Bible Study- Mimiko's son, Stephen! Laura and Joe, thank you so much for hosting it.

And yeah, the Seder...that's a WHOLE other LOOOONG post!

So be it. God is good, so let us rejoice and be glad!

Blogger!

Well, last night Laura and Joe introduced me to the blogging world, so here's my first post! I'm a person who starts something and doesn't always carry through with it, but this seems like a good thing to do...especially if you're someone who feels awkward speaking in front of others (that would be me). I have many many insecurities and think this is why I feel so weird around others, but everyone has probably experienced that to a degree.

I'm grateful I know about this.

Tomorrow I have to leave early in the morning and drive with my two sisters (twins, age 21) to Massachusetts. Our family is going to have a Seder at my Grandmother's house. A Seder is a dinner Jewish people have the first night of Passover, to commemorate the Jewish people's exile from Egypt, when God took them out via Moses, by His mighty hand. Passover is when He sent the 10 plagues over Egypt and parted the Red Sea. You know what I love about God? Moses had a lisp, and God chose him to be His spokesperson. A man with a lisp. His infirmity was in the very thing God used Him for- it's like when Paul talks about God's strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. You know, we say things like "I can't do it," "it's too hard," and so on. Imagine being Moses. That's right- we can't do a thing- but with God, all things are possible!

Anyways, to get back on track, here goes my complaint. So every year we have this Seder, but all we do is go through the motions. In fact, my family believes that Passover and all the other stories in the Torah (Old Testament) are just myths with good morals. This frustrates me! But I must remember to be patient, because I too believed that, and they will all be saved! It doesn't matter what it feels or what it looks like: feelings change, God doesn't. My extended family doesn't know about my belief in Jesus- it's a big taboo in the Jewish faith. I feel like a coward because I don't proclaim Jesus to them- in fact, I avoid the subject altogether. We'll see how everything goes tomorrow. I pray for courage, because if I was ever asked, I would NOT deny my Lord before man- but that doesn't mean I'm scared that this situation would arise. You see, I have to be walking in the Spirit, and God has to be my strength for me to do this, because there are dire consequences. But imagine being someone physically persecuted for their faith! It's also an issue because they all think I'm doing so well, that I'm this perfect whatever...little do they know! I think I'm afraid to alter their perception of me. But in whose eyes do I want favor- God's or man's? Thank God for His patience and understanding.