Down Day

So today I was feeling down. I'm having a lot of trouble in the area where resentments are concerned. This is in regards to my mother. I'm feeling guilty because I know I'm complaining and criticizing, but I get so frustrated because I see so much of her in me. I've always had an image problem- physically and mentally. My mother is extremely concerned about her weight and always has been. Growing up, I remember her thinking she was overweight when she weighed less than me! She has always been on a diet; weight has been a huge issue in my household. So of course, I developed an eating disorder- I've been bulimic on and off for the past 10 years. Now my digestive system is all messed up as a result. I could have died, but God has kept me. I'm so grateful for this.

I still look at myself and think I'm overweight- I know it is absurd, people tell me, but that is just how I feel. EVERY day I see my mother look me up and down. I grew up with comments about the way I look- and I'm not saying they were all bad, but that was always the focus. I know there are things a lot worse in life, but I feel like I have to get this out. I feel bad even writing this, but I have to be honest. At home, especially around my mother, I feel the desire to binge. Please pray for me, as I know this hinders my walk with God.

Romans 7:15 "For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate."

I once read in my devotional (Oswald Chamber's "My Uptmost For His Highest," I highly recommend it) that when we look at people who have come against us, we are to see them as "perfect in Christ Jesus." Amen! Why can't I do this with my mother? I continue to take these resentments captive; they're thoughts I don't want to entertain.

Sorry to complain. I have to get out of my house more- being here, I feel like my focus is so easily swayed from God; it's like I am not seeing through the Spirit. Today my mother kept asking me what was wrong- I was in a bad place. Where is my witness? Shouldn't I have the joy of God in me? I hate feeling like this, but how I feel doesn't matter. What I know is what matters. I know God will never leave me nor forsake me, but still...I feel bad about this little pity party I'm having. I don't know if it is okay to feel bad; I feel bad that I feel bad (if that makes any sense).

God is so good and faithful, and I am so faithless. The other day, I asked God why He was blessing me so much when I've been so disobedient and faithless and selfish. I felt like the Holy Spirit said that He wants to show me that it is nothing I could ever earn; His gifts are out of pure, holy love. One of my greatest problems in my walk with Jesus is my legalistic attitude. Growing up a perfectionist, I feel like everything I do must be perfect and I must earn everything. It's so hard to simply accept and be grateful for what God has done. Instead, when I am being blessed I feel guilty. Crazy, right? Then I tell other people not to feel like that!

I know these feelings are fleeting- God is the same yesterday, today and forevermore.