Daily Devotional: God First

This devotional was taken from Oswald Chamber's "My Uptmost for His Highest."

"Jesus did not commit Himself unto them...for He knew what was in man."
John 2:24-25

Put God First in Trust. Our Lord trusted no man; yet He was never suspicious, never bitter, never in despair about any man, because He put God first in trust; He trusted absolutely in what God's grace could do for any man. If I put my trust in human beings first, I will end up in despairing of everyone; I will become bitter, because I have insisted on man being what no man can ever be-absolutely right. Never trust anything but the grace of God in yourself or in anyone else.

Put God's Needs First. "Lo, I come to do Thy will, O God" (Heb. 10:9).
A man's obedience is to do what he sees to be a need; Our Lord's obedience was to the will of His Father. The cry today is- "We must get some work to do; the heathen are dying without God; we must go and tell of Him." We have to see first all of that God's needs in us personally are being met. "Tarry ye until..." The purposeof this College is to get rightly related to the needs of God. When God's needs in us have been met, then He will open the way for us to realize His needs elsewhere.

Put God's Trust First. "And whoso receiveth one such little child in My name receiveth Me" (Matthew 18:5).
God's trust is that He gives me Himself as a babe. God expects my personal life to be a "Bethlehem." Am I allowing my natural life to be slowly transfigured by the indwelling life of the Son of God? God's ultimate purpose is that His Son might be manifested in my mortal flesh.

My Redeemer Lives!

Every word of God is flawless; He is a shield to those who take refuge in him. Pro 30:6

Last night I was praying to God, asking Him to please make it so I wouldn't have to go to Montauk with Stephen and his brother today. I was asking God to allow Stephen to understand where I was coming from, but also prayed that above all things His will would be done (pathetic, huh?). Praise God His ways are not our ways!

Part A was granted: Stephen understood where I was coming from, and it wasn't a good place. He called me on it. At around 11:30 he phoned to tell me he had made reservations for the ferry: $84.00! I was mad. Being selfish, I was holding to my "Tomorrow I want to sit and mope" attitude. He wasn't having that. He was frustrated, and rightfully so. We have been planning this for a month now. He called it for what it was: the flesh. I felt bad, so I couldn't refuse. I wanted to get off the phone, but he wouldn't let me go until we prayed. As we prayed, the Holy Spirit came and renewed my mind. Praise God! He is so good! I just feel bad that I was so darn selfish.

4:30 a.m. I awoke; 5:30 he and his brother were at my house. We got to the Bridgeport Ferry at 5:50 for a 6:30 a.m. departure. He made us go so early because he knows I am late for everything (lol...scary how early he found that out). Well, morning is my favorite time because it is so peaceful. We had coffee and had our devotional on the ferry; it was so incredibly wonderful. This stuck out:

A mountain of God is the mountain of Bashan; A mountain of many peaks is the mountain of Bashan.
Psalm 68:15

God created the mountains. Bashan is a mountain of God, and one of many peaks. Life has many peaks, but you can't have peaks without having valleys. As we are set high upon peaks, we're only able to recognize them as so if we've been in a valley. Last night I was in a valley; today God set me up on His peak.

Montauk is beautiful. God blessed us is so many ways today. We went sightseeing, we ate awesome seafood, we took a nap at the beach and we laughed. It was so wonderful. Praise God for His goodness! We took so many pictures. God is so so beautiful. The sea was clear. The clouds looked as if God had taken His mighty hand and shaped them just so. On the ferry back, the sky was purply-orange. You know, after knowing Christ you come to appreciate so many things you once hadn't. For example, I was collecting rocks on the shore. When the tide would go out, the water over the rocks made a soft thunder-like sound. It was really beautiful. It's stuff like that you stop to smile at and really give God glory for. Who is greater than He? Who could ever create such sound? Sure, we can compose stuff, but create? No. There is none like Him. Even saying there is none like Him feels wrong- that's a statement that should not even be made.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made.
John 1:1-3

and

Who has ascended into heaven, or descended?
Who has gathered the wind in His fists?
Who has bound the waters in a garment?
Who has established all the ends of the earth?
What is His name, and what is His Son's name, If you know?
Proverbs 30

JESUS!!!!!!!!

He did it all.

You know, I have to stop walking by feeling, and starting praising Him in faith and trust. Today was beautiful, but even if I felt bad tomorrow it shouldn't change anything.

But let the righteous be glad;
Let them rejoice before God;
Yes, let them rejoice exceedingly.
Sing to God, sing praises to His name;
Extol Him who rides on the clouds.
Psalm 68:3,4

Dead.

I don't feel shattered, I don't feel broken, I feel dead. I would much rather be shattered, ripped apart even. God is close to the brokenhearted...well maybe I'm breaking my own heart, so I don't deserve for Holy God to be close to me. I mean, I feel really bad. I don't want to write, nor do I want to speak tonight. Not even to God. I feel like a hypocrite even speaking about Him, much less to Him. I want to be by myself. I want to lie in bed, in the dark. I want to cry, but I can't. Oh boo hoo, join my pathetic pity party. Tonight I've wanted to jump out of my skin. I want to be around no one, see no one, hear no one. Tomorrow I'm suppossed to go out to Long Island with Stephen and his brother; all I want to do is stay in bed. Depression can be, well it is, so comfortable. It is so much easier to wallow in it than do anything about it. I just want to be. Not move. Not do anything.

Why am I complaining? Why am I so darn selfish and whatever? Should I even post this, much less write it? These episodes come in waves...why am I complaining? Am I?

My heart is so so wicked and selfish. Tonight I just wanted to go HOME. I'm feeling really apathetic about everything right now. I really have nothing to say.

Guidance Needed

Dilemma:
I work in the same office as my mother. I have trouble being around her. I know this sounds like I'm blaming, and maybe it is, but it is how I feel. Each time I'm with her I feel as if I'm being looked at, scrutinized, whatever. I feel fat. I feel frustrated, flleshy and resentful. I want to binge when I'm around her (all these feelings have their root somewhere).

So, I'm just gonna call it like it is. I want you to say, switch jobs, move out! But I must present the truth, the whole truth (and, by the way, nothing but the truth). I began working at this office about 3 months ago. The position is not permanant and I don't have insurance, but they may keep me. But the thing is, God opened this door; I know He did. I had applied to like 20 other jobs and hadn't heard back. The office needed help and OFFERED me this position. After I accepted, all the other places began calling back. This job is 9-5 and allows me the leisure of having nights off. The pay is not enough for me to live on my own (though I don't really see that as essential- praise God I have a roof over my head!).

So yeah, point is, it is hard to be around my mother, and it has a bad effect on me. I WILL NOT move until God says go, if He does at all, but do I look for other jobs and see if anything opens up? Or should I just be longsuffering? Maybe He wants to teach me something here.

His ways are awesome!

The LORD redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned.
Psalm 34:22

I have decided to walk in the light.

Great and mighty God, He is our redeemer. He alone delivers. He is so so good.

From about 6-7:30pm last night, the obsession to binge was lifted. Why? Prayer- not my own.

I few days ago I wrote that blog about my problem. That was the deepest I have ever gone in admitting it to anyone. Prior to that, I told Stephen and Mrs. Morgan about it. But yesterday during the day I asked Sara to pray for me. I felt guilty asking, but I asked. God is faithful. I've been trying to rid myself of this for a long time by this or that method, but to no avail. Why? Because I can do no good thing in my own strength. God wants me to put effort into this, but in a different way.

"Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much."
James 5:16

God wants me to confess my sins- not just to Him, but to others. Why?
1. It calls for humility. Admitting weakness is some areas is easy because I think "yeah, that's understandable." But admitting this is not because it is not understandable. It is shameful. It is blatant sin. It is gross. It is gluttony. It is defiling the temple of the Holy Spirit. But God wants me to admit my weakness. As the subject of pride was discussed two weeks prior, a couple of scriptures come to mind:

God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.
James 4:6
God will show me His grace if I just admit in humility my weakness. If I am willing to feel ashamed, He will help me out.

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.
James 4:10
I have to humble myself before Him so He can snatch me out of the miry clay!

So that's one reason why I should confess my sins.

2. "The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." In order for someone's prayer to avail, they must pray! In order for someone to pray about something, they must know about it! In order for someone to know about my weakness, I must confess!

God showed me that it is not by might nor power, but by His Spirit (Zech 4:6). Yesterday when the obsession was lifted, it wasn't because I took any tangible action. I just confessed my sin. It is nothing I could ever do in my own strength. I was in the car when this occurred; I can't explain the peace I experienced. I felt like crying. I know I have to put in effort, but only God can deliver.

He gave me a taste of what the freedom felt like- better than any food I could ever eat!

"God sets the lonely in families" and the war waging within...

Psalm 68:6 says "God sets the lonely in families." Loneliness has been my sense of normalcy for a very long time. He is so good. He set me in a family, our Bible study group. I am a part of a family!

My life has changed dramatically over the past two months. I have had a job change and have developed new relationships with people. I am so grateful to have everyone in my life. I don't know, I don't understand why God is so wonderful...but why should I? I am but dust. I sin daily, even knowingly. I do a lot of things I am ashamed of.

Romans 11:33
"Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out!"

The other night I went to speak with Mrs. Morgan. I told her about my eating disorder and how I've been struggling with it. And I have been. I feel ashamed, and I can't believe I'm even writing this, maybe it's too personal, but oh well. I have to be honest. It's not okay. But anyway, she said that the guilt I feel about EVERYTHING in life is carried over through guilt that comes from this. You know, sometimes I just want to binge and don't really care about the consequences. It's like drugs: "okay, this is the last one, or the last time," but it never is. I start to obsess over food...I mean someone can be speaking to me and I'm thinking about what I'm going to eat, how many calories I'm going to consume, and then the amount of exercise or whatever else I have to do to burn it off. And it is really sick, and I hate it so much. I am lacking the fruit of self-control. You know what? I can do better. I can try harder. When I'm at home I want to binge SO badly. Well anyway, Mrs. Morgan said I need to be accountable to someone; she suggested Mamiko. So I'll speak to her, but I need to get honest. I need to crucify my flesh daily. I really hate this. I really, really hate this. I really, really don't want to do this, but then it is like my flesh is holding on. I wake up in the morning and just hate myself and feel disgusted. I look at myself in the mirror and feel so gross. I'm not writing this to be pitied, believe me, I'm not. I don't even know why I'm writing this- I guess it's just time to be real. And I feel far away from God, naturally.

But He is good. Though I have this war waging in me, I praise Him because I know Him. "Taste and see..." Well I have tasted and seen, and the thought of losing out on my relationship with God is terrifying. I feel like a hypocrite writing this. How can I even speak of God when I'm doing stuff like this? I need to get out of the house more, because when I'm not home, for the most part I am fine. It is so easy to get caught up in a cycle of despair.

Oh praise Him that I know Him! If I didn't, I would have no hope. I just think about it all the time and thank Him. First of all, if I didn't know Jesus, I would be heading to eternal damnation. Second, I'd have no hope. The verse I cling to desperately is Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,'" declares the LORD, "'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" I know that someday, I don't know when but someday, I'll be done with this. Not because of me, but because of God's faithfulness. It certainly doesn't feel like it, but I have to believe it. I know I have to do my part. You know what my part is? Asking for help. You know, salvation is a free gift. But how much more is He really going to put up with? I know He will never leave me or forsake me, but do I really know it? I just have to cling to His word. How could I, knowing God, refuse to accept His goodness?

Romans 8:32
"He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?"

My prayer life is so messed up. When I pray, I pray and sometimes think, "Oh boy, I should be praying for this and this instead." Sometimes I feel like I'm shooting darts into the air, hoping they'll catch God's attention. Ridiculous, huh.

This post is more a compilation of complaints and jumbled thoughts, but such is my mind! It really can be torturous. How should I feel? Unworthy? Ashamed? Whatever. I'll just let God lead...well I pray I'll let Him lead.

You see, I feel so bad because here I am complaining when there are so many things I should be grateful for. There is so much I have that other people don't. I think I have tried to rush my walk with Jesus. In my own strength, I have tried to be "good" and "pleasing to Him." What are my motives?

I have to ask myself "what is the wise thing to do?" as Pastor Paul preached (a very good and practical sermon, may I add).

See Sara, you do encourage me! :)

I could go on and on, but it is late...time for bed. I'm not tired, however. Well, I'm going to try to sleep (maybe). I'll write more later.

True Love

"By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."
John 13:35

I just wanted to express praise to God for His lovingkindness. I am so blessed and so thankful for all you guys. I wasn't going to write that last post (for many reasons, all surrounding various insecurities) but felt prompted to do so. I can't put into words how blessed I was because of all the love and support you showed me;it really makes me want to cry. I was strengthened after reading your comments and speaking to you guys. This is the family my Father has blessed me with; this is the essence of the Body of Christ!

As I was driving yesterday, I looked to the sky and felt as if the Holy Spirit was telling me that instead of looking down at the problems, look up and start to praise God! Not to seek any solution, but just praise Him because He's got it all under control! Then later as I was complaining to God (of course) about how I felt far from Him, I came to understand that instead of concentrating on this, to be grateful that I have ever felt God's glorious presence at all! What a privilege! God is teaching me to walk by faith and not feeling. And He is GOOD, and He has it all in the palm of His hand.

Down Day

So today I was feeling down. I'm having a lot of trouble in the area where resentments are concerned. This is in regards to my mother. I'm feeling guilty because I know I'm complaining and criticizing, but I get so frustrated because I see so much of her in me. I've always had an image problem- physically and mentally. My mother is extremely concerned about her weight and always has been. Growing up, I remember her thinking she was overweight when she weighed less than me! She has always been on a diet; weight has been a huge issue in my household. So of course, I developed an eating disorder- I've been bulimic on and off for the past 10 years. Now my digestive system is all messed up as a result. I could have died, but God has kept me. I'm so grateful for this.

I still look at myself and think I'm overweight- I know it is absurd, people tell me, but that is just how I feel. EVERY day I see my mother look me up and down. I grew up with comments about the way I look- and I'm not saying they were all bad, but that was always the focus. I know there are things a lot worse in life, but I feel like I have to get this out. I feel bad even writing this, but I have to be honest. At home, especially around my mother, I feel the desire to binge. Please pray for me, as I know this hinders my walk with God.

Romans 7:15 "For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate."

I once read in my devotional (Oswald Chamber's "My Uptmost For His Highest," I highly recommend it) that when we look at people who have come against us, we are to see them as "perfect in Christ Jesus." Amen! Why can't I do this with my mother? I continue to take these resentments captive; they're thoughts I don't want to entertain.

Sorry to complain. I have to get out of my house more- being here, I feel like my focus is so easily swayed from God; it's like I am not seeing through the Spirit. Today my mother kept asking me what was wrong- I was in a bad place. Where is my witness? Shouldn't I have the joy of God in me? I hate feeling like this, but how I feel doesn't matter. What I know is what matters. I know God will never leave me nor forsake me, but still...I feel bad about this little pity party I'm having. I don't know if it is okay to feel bad; I feel bad that I feel bad (if that makes any sense).

God is so good and faithful, and I am so faithless. The other day, I asked God why He was blessing me so much when I've been so disobedient and faithless and selfish. I felt like the Holy Spirit said that He wants to show me that it is nothing I could ever earn; His gifts are out of pure, holy love. One of my greatest problems in my walk with Jesus is my legalistic attitude. Growing up a perfectionist, I feel like everything I do must be perfect and I must earn everything. It's so hard to simply accept and be grateful for what God has done. Instead, when I am being blessed I feel guilty. Crazy, right? Then I tell other people not to feel like that!

I know these feelings are fleeting- God is the same yesterday, today and forevermore.

God is Awesome!

Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways!
Romans 11:33

What a incredibly blessed couple of nights it's been! I am so so grateful to God for what He is doing in our lives..."Behold, how good and how pleasant it is For brethren to dwell together in unity!" (Psalm 133:1) I never understood how good and pleasant it really is to fellowship; I've never experienced such unity. You know why? I've never been blessed with such an awesome group of believers. It's not us, but Christ in us who brings us together. Remember how Jesus said that people would know us by the love we have for eachother? Look at Thursday night; that kind of fellowship is supernatural. I'm still so excited about what God has been doing. I've just been thanking Him and thanking Him...everyone has such a love for Jesus. Isn't it awesome to feel part of a family, to understand one another, to be on the same plane...all because we love Jesus. Actually, ONLY because we love Jesus. He has opened these doors and made everything possible.

About 6 weeks ago I went up to the alter at church and had Pastor Morgan pray over me. You know for what? Friends. I wanted one good female friend, and look at how great He is...He blessed me with more than one good female friend, many friends, in fact...a Bible study and Stephen. Like we mentioned in Bible study, Ephesians 3:20 "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us"!

I left Bible study the other night more than happy, so elated, so JOYFUL, so JOY-FILLED! I was smiling while driving the whole way home.

The study was so great. John, thank you so so much for leading us in worship. I know it can be scary, almost...I'm really grateful you were obedient to the Lord. I believe we all felt the joy of the Lord because He was taking joy in our fellowship. It's all for Him, and He knows that that is our only intention- to know Him more. It's awesome to come together and glean from one another...God always has a word for each one of us.

Jars of Clay was awesome!!! They are so anointed; you can really feel their love for God. That was my first Christian concert. Sara, I can't wait for Soulfest! You know, Ashley Cleveland was so right when she said that the hymnals have such meaning to them. When I first came to First Assembly, I didn't like the hymns (being that I never grew up knowing them), but as time passed and I began attending Sunday night services, the depth of the songs began to penetrate. I forget the name of the last hymn she played (the one with Jars of Clay), but whatever it was, it really hit me. Oh the love of God! You know, I really have no understanding whatsoever of how great God's love is for us. Look at how He blesses us. I really cannot fathom it...I pray for revelation.

Another great part of the concert was when one of the members spoke about the disciples and the blind man. He mentioned how the disciples believed in their minds that the work was ahead of them, while Jesus stopped and did a great work right before them. That's how I am...going by my own agenda, thinking that I have to do this and that, ignoring the leading of the Holy Spirit and walking past the plan God had for me. So many times I think I'm doing it right, that I'm serving God the way I'm supposed to be serving Him, when it is all wrong. And then I am humbled again. But I learn. I mean, I want to learn. I can have the attitude of a Pharisee and not know it; I am grateful for God's conviction. I try to be still, but like you said Sara, the thoughts flood my mind. You know what? We should pray. But anyway, I really related to that.

The pizza was so good! That was the first time in over a year that I had cheese pizza. The fellowship was even better.

It is so exciting, walking through the new doors God opens daily. I pray to observe and appreciate more of them.

Happy Mother's Day to all!