"God sets the lonely in families" and the war waging within...

Psalm 68:6 says "God sets the lonely in families." Loneliness has been my sense of normalcy for a very long time. He is so good. He set me in a family, our Bible study group. I am a part of a family!

My life has changed dramatically over the past two months. I have had a job change and have developed new relationships with people. I am so grateful to have everyone in my life. I don't know, I don't understand why God is so wonderful...but why should I? I am but dust. I sin daily, even knowingly. I do a lot of things I am ashamed of.

Romans 11:33
"Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out!"

The other night I went to speak with Mrs. Morgan. I told her about my eating disorder and how I've been struggling with it. And I have been. I feel ashamed, and I can't believe I'm even writing this, maybe it's too personal, but oh well. I have to be honest. It's not okay. But anyway, she said that the guilt I feel about EVERYTHING in life is carried over through guilt that comes from this. You know, sometimes I just want to binge and don't really care about the consequences. It's like drugs: "okay, this is the last one, or the last time," but it never is. I start to obsess over food...I mean someone can be speaking to me and I'm thinking about what I'm going to eat, how many calories I'm going to consume, and then the amount of exercise or whatever else I have to do to burn it off. And it is really sick, and I hate it so much. I am lacking the fruit of self-control. You know what? I can do better. I can try harder. When I'm at home I want to binge SO badly. Well anyway, Mrs. Morgan said I need to be accountable to someone; she suggested Mamiko. So I'll speak to her, but I need to get honest. I need to crucify my flesh daily. I really hate this. I really, really hate this. I really, really don't want to do this, but then it is like my flesh is holding on. I wake up in the morning and just hate myself and feel disgusted. I look at myself in the mirror and feel so gross. I'm not writing this to be pitied, believe me, I'm not. I don't even know why I'm writing this- I guess it's just time to be real. And I feel far away from God, naturally.

But He is good. Though I have this war waging in me, I praise Him because I know Him. "Taste and see..." Well I have tasted and seen, and the thought of losing out on my relationship with God is terrifying. I feel like a hypocrite writing this. How can I even speak of God when I'm doing stuff like this? I need to get out of the house more, because when I'm not home, for the most part I am fine. It is so easy to get caught up in a cycle of despair.

Oh praise Him that I know Him! If I didn't, I would have no hope. I just think about it all the time and thank Him. First of all, if I didn't know Jesus, I would be heading to eternal damnation. Second, I'd have no hope. The verse I cling to desperately is Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,'" declares the LORD, "'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" I know that someday, I don't know when but someday, I'll be done with this. Not because of me, but because of God's faithfulness. It certainly doesn't feel like it, but I have to believe it. I know I have to do my part. You know what my part is? Asking for help. You know, salvation is a free gift. But how much more is He really going to put up with? I know He will never leave me or forsake me, but do I really know it? I just have to cling to His word. How could I, knowing God, refuse to accept His goodness?

Romans 8:32
"He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?"

My prayer life is so messed up. When I pray, I pray and sometimes think, "Oh boy, I should be praying for this and this instead." Sometimes I feel like I'm shooting darts into the air, hoping they'll catch God's attention. Ridiculous, huh.

This post is more a compilation of complaints and jumbled thoughts, but such is my mind! It really can be torturous. How should I feel? Unworthy? Ashamed? Whatever. I'll just let God lead...well I pray I'll let Him lead.

You see, I feel so bad because here I am complaining when there are so many things I should be grateful for. There is so much I have that other people don't. I think I have tried to rush my walk with Jesus. In my own strength, I have tried to be "good" and "pleasing to Him." What are my motives?

I have to ask myself "what is the wise thing to do?" as Pastor Paul preached (a very good and practical sermon, may I add).

See Sara, you do encourage me! :)

I could go on and on, but it is late...time for bed. I'm not tired, however. Well, I'm going to try to sleep (maybe). I'll write more later.