Dead.
I don't feel shattered, I don't feel broken, I feel dead. I would much rather be shattered, ripped apart even. God is close to the brokenhearted...well maybe I'm breaking my own heart, so I don't deserve for Holy God to be close to me. I mean, I feel really bad. I don't want to write, nor do I want to speak tonight. Not even to God. I feel like a hypocrite even speaking about Him, much less to Him. I want to be by myself. I want to lie in bed, in the dark. I want to cry, but I can't. Oh boo hoo, join my pathetic pity party. Tonight I've wanted to jump out of my skin. I want to be around no one, see no one, hear no one. Tomorrow I'm suppossed to go out to Long Island with Stephen and his brother; all I want to do is stay in bed. Depression can be, well it is, so comfortable. It is so much easier to wallow in it than do anything about it. I just want to be. Not move. Not do anything.
Why am I complaining? Why am I so darn selfish and whatever? Should I even post this, much less write it? These episodes come in waves...why am I complaining? Am I?
My heart is so so wicked and selfish. Tonight I just wanted to go HOME. I'm feeling really apathetic about everything right now. I really have nothing to say.
Why am I complaining? Why am I so darn selfish and whatever? Should I even post this, much less write it? These episodes come in waves...why am I complaining? Am I?
My heart is so so wicked and selfish. Tonight I just wanted to go HOME. I'm feeling really apathetic about everything right now. I really have nothing to say.
posted by Stephanie @ 6:51 PM
6 Comments:
At 8:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Steph, I love you girl, thanks for writing tonight. God is close to you, tell Him all about it. It is true, I know, wallowing in it is so much easier. Not doing anything is what feels best. I always think when things start getting tough, and I'm moving closer to where God wants me, I'm like, "it's so much easier that way, even though it's not best. Let me go back to Egypt!" It's comfortable, it's familiar, but it's not best. I'm feeling it with you because I know exactly how you feel. You know that I'm here for you WHENEVER for WHATEVER, and I'm praying for you.
At 9:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
One more thing, remember this,
The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
At 9:34 PM,
Joe said…
Hey Girl! I say veg out. Are you being terminal about something or do you just want to move into the slow lane for a bit? I say the latter. Take their foot off your gas pedal! If you can't drop out for a day then just turn the volume down on your headset. You aren't taking your orals. Relax.
At 8:13 PM,
Stephanie said…
Thanks guys for your encouragement, but especially your prayers. I know you're sincere, and that means a lot. I want to take this post off because it is incredibly negative...but it is how I was feeling. Thank God for your faith!
At 2:08 PM,
Joe said…
Steph,
Sara told me yesterday that she did not understand my first comment on this post when I stated "You aren't taking your orals. Relax." Sara thought I meant "oral medications". That's not at all what I meant. I'm referring to "a graduate student test referred to as ORALS". I meant "relax, because you aren't taking your ORAL exam". Forgive me if my outdated terminology came across as an insult.
At 4:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
I wasn't the only one who thought that.
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