Thanks...and a bunch of jumbled thoughts

First of all, I want to say thanks to you guys; reading your comments really blessed me. Thanks for being supportive and encouraging, it means a lot to me. I came to First Assembly knowing no one, and it took over a year to form any meaningful relationships-my fault. I'm so bad and insecure when meeting people- I get anxious because I feel like I'm being judged. It's all in my head, I know! So I never wanted to introduce myself to anyone. I always felt guilty because I knew I should have been fellowshipping, but never felt comfortable. I felt so alone, but God is so good! Joe and Laura were so welcoming, accepting and loving. I can be open and honest with all you guys; I'm so grateful for that. I think it's because we've experienced being saved and lost, or at least feeling distant from God.

He is so so wonderful; today's service was awesome. To be in God's presence, to feel His love, the fact that He spoke to us- it's an incredible privilege and blessing. On the way to church, you know what I prayed to God? Psalm 86:11 "Unite my heart to fear Your name." Unite my heart- I feel that means to give God all of my heart, not to spread it out or share what is rightfully His. I feel exactly as the Word was- spiritually dry, and I too kept asking God to take me out of this desert. Today touched me, thank God for His grace! This morning felt as if God was saying, "Let's go, here's a fresh start." For a while now, I've been asking God to rekindle the fire in my heart for Him; I feel like such a hypocrite, telling God I love Him and going to church while I'm holding resentments, sinning, thinking the wrong things- all the stuff I DON'T want to feel or do. I feel so far away from Jesus sometimes. Yet despite all my shortcomings, He still not only provides, but blesses me! I get so so discouraged because I talk myself into a self-pity, self-hatred mind set. Sometimes when I'm trying to pray and my mind is racing I say to God "Lord, my mind may not be with you, but you know my heart!" Yet at times, where is my heart?

You see, I come from a perfectionist household, so I too grew up a perfectionist. I'm so glad God never gives up on us, and that we will someday see the King face to face! The song "I Can Only Imagine" says it all:

"I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk by Your side

I can only imagine, what my eyes will see, when Your Face is before me!

I can only imagine. I can only imagine.

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?

Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?

Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?

Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?

I can only imagine! I can only imagine!
I can only imagine, when that day comes,

when I find myself standing in the Son!

I can only imagine, when all I will do, is forever, forever worship You!

I can only imagine! I can only imagine!

To walk with Jesus...to worship Him forever. You know what verse I love? 1 Corinthains 13:12 "For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known." We can barely make out God's glory right now, and today's service was but a glimpse of His Kingdom! Hallelujah!

Okay, one more thing- one other person is going to attend our Bible Study- Mimiko's son, Stephen! Laura and Joe, thank you so much for hosting it.

And yeah, the Seder...that's a WHOLE other LOOOONG post!

So be it. God is good, so let us rejoice and be glad!